Amateurs
by Tyhir
Summary: During their online gaming session, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame and Deidara face an unexpected foe. Crackfic!


_This was a challenged placed by a friend of mine which was to 'Rely on dialogue only and see if I can make things work from there'. I took up on his challenge and took inspiration of online multiplayer games because that's where dialogue is quite prominent. __Its AU because they are playing an online shooters game :P_

_Warning: Just some slight language, you guessed it, from Hidan._

Enjoy!

* * *

"What are you noobing on about Kakuzu?" Broke in Hidan with irritation.

"You don't get to criticize, Hidan, you got your ass sniped out first." Kakuzu growled.

"It glitched on me!" Retorted the Albino. "I was clearly hidding behind the wall!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"AGH!" Screamed Kisame.

"Not you too!"

"This bastard's good." Whined the blue man, letting out an air of exasperation.

"No, no, nononononononono, NOO! HM!"

"Killed by a grenade!? You suck, Deidara."

"As if you did any better, Hidan."

"Watch and see how professionals do it-WHAT?!"

"Yeah, you showed us alright, hm."

"Oh, shut up!"

"He's crazy good." Kisame observed as he clicked the buttons like mad. "Come on, dodge! Dodge! YEAH! MISSED-WHAT? How the hell did I die?!"

"Knife attack from behind." Kakuzu explained. "They are a formidable duo..."

"Is it just the two of them? No, no way. I refuse to believe its only those two noobs against us!"

"Looks like it, hm."

"Yup, Kakuzu's right, its only two of them against the four of us."

"How the hell did that happen? Can they even do that?!"

"They must be war veterans, dude, like for real, hm! No one average can be this good and not have outside experience!"

"Look! They can listen to us!" Kisame said mortified.

"This is embarrassing."

Hidan pushed his mic closer to his mouth. "Listen you, Narusrealfan#1 and CagedBird69, I will find you, wherever you are and I will destroy you for this humiliation, you hear!?"

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

Hinata listened to the group of men argue, eyes shot wide open and looking at Neji with indisputable shock at the threat. Neji's eyes remained locked on the screen, a somber shadow clouding over his features as he killed another character with a sneaky attack from behind before he took cover.

"Hinata-sama, its time." He said barely audible.

Hinata nodded, not sure what Neji was exactly talking about but guessed that, as Neji's lead was always good to follow, he was up to something ambitious and ingenious and telling by the smile on his face, it was going to be something good. Little did she know of Neji's macabre plans.

* * *

"Dude, really? Really? How much cheesier can you get?" Kisame scorned through the mic, and Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I know you were thinking it, I just said it. You're fucking welcome!"

"Threatening people online? Do you want us to get hunted down? Or worse, banned?!"

"You need to get your priorities straight, hm."

"I'm surrounded by morons..."

"What if they are war veterans? Or assassins!? Dude, they are really going to hunt us down and kill us for real- AGH!" Kisame shouted and Kakuzu winced, why on earth did he agree to playing online with his obnoxiously loud friends was beyond his own comprehension.

"That's it! I've had it playing easy with you punks, now you'll have the wrath of Jashin fall on you!"

"Oh good, we were wondering when you were going to get serious, we were tired of warming up." A cool, arrogant voice sounded. Hidan's eyes widened in realization. It was them, the enemy were contacting them, and to make it ten times worse, mocking them! How dare they!

"Warming up, eh? We weren't even warming up, just letting you take a bite of the beef before we show you whose boss!" Hidan snarled. He tried not to growl in frustration when his character was killed instantly.

"Don't keep us waiting." Said the cool voice and Kisame could feel the smug smile and felt the need to aid his friend.

"You think yourself tough, eh? We'll see about that! AW COME ON!"

"Tougher than you."

"You little-!"

BANG!

"HAHA! ART IS A BANG!" Screamed the blond in victory and the three Akatsuki members felt their jaw slacken as they read at the bottom of the screen that Deidara actually managed to gain a kill. They cheered and jumped up and down in celebration.

"HA! Take that!" Shouted Hidan before his character feel dead on the ground and he felt like an artery exploded. "FFFFFFF-"

"Take that." Retorted Neji before he killed Deidara's character and moved on to jump on Kisame's. "Noobs."

Hidan was brought back to life and was ready to jump on Neji when he suddenly spotted something on the corner of the screen and turned to face it only to realize it was too late. His body feel dead on the floor, the bottom popping out the letters to let everyone know he'd been killed once again by the same sneaky player.

"That's it, I've had it with these punks! Especially you, Narusrealfan#1! Stop hiding and face me you big pansy!"

Silence.

"Scared are we now?"

"Go on, answer him." Neji encouraged his partner.

"What, can't you speak on your own? What? Are you mute?!"

"Hey, keep your tongue behind your teeth, looser!"

"Make me!"

"Stop!" A squeaky voice interrupted and all the men froze on the spot, eyes wide as plates. No way!

"A girl, hm!?"

There was a loud, rude, monstrous snap on the line and then Kakuzu's voice flustered mumble. "I think I broke my control, someone cover me while I get another one."

"No way! You, give back the controller to the pansy playing." Hidan refused to believe a girl had defeated him.

"This is a game for macho men, ladies are not allowed here, hm!" Deidara said in agreement, making his voice go an octave lower, making him end up having a coughing fit at the end of the sentence. He needed to sound macho didn't he?

"Exactly, so why don't you take your leave, ladies?" Snickered Neji. "We are on a totally different league than you."

"Neji!" Hinata squeaked in, horrified by her cousin's behavior.

"Oi, tell your boyfriend to shut it, hm!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" Stuttered Hinata.

"Oh, so does that mean you're single?" Jumped in Kisame. "You know, just wondering."

"Real smooth, Kisame." Kakuzu commented.

"Hey, you guys had your chance! Back off!"

"No, you back off!" Neji retorted.

"Neji-niisan!"

"Oh, shit." Kisame said through gritted teeth.

"A brother, hm."

"How do we know it really is you playing and not some guy who just handed you the mic?" Ventured Hidan, eyes glued to the screen, back hunched and tongue sticking out in effort. Trying to find a weakness in the enemy's formation, which was harder than he thought for it was obvious the duo had had several months of practice.

"You don't. Hinata, kill him, yeah that one."

"You sure? I'll have to move from my position to do that..."

"What? No, its fine. But make sure to kill that one."

"Okay..."

Kisame's character feel dead on the ground; a perfect shot to the head. "Nice shot, Hinata-sama!"

Kisame breathed out in the mic, his breath rigged. "Oh man, that's hot. I...I think I'm in love."

"Please." Kakuzu grumbled mockingly.

"Hinata-sama, want me to show you a neat trick?" Asked Neji, making the four Akatsuki members stand at attention but soon realized the man had removed his mic.

"Shit! Careful now, who knows what they are planning!" Hidan whispered.

"Why are you whispering, they can still hear us, you moron." Kakuzu pointed out.

"Shh, hm, I think I can listen something."

Utter silence.

Suddenly, Deidara broke it with a shout. "Kakuzu, watch out!"

Kakuzu feel dead to the floor, Narusrealfan#1 hoovering over his corpse.

"Good, now, do this and..." Neji's voice drifted in.

The four grown men couldn't believe their eyes.

Kakuzu was getting tea-bagged. Tea-bagged like there was no tomorrow.

There was another loud, crude snap. This time, Kakuzu's said lowly. "I'll be back."

"Another one, Kakuzu? For real?! Man, you're not coming to my place if you're gonna be breaking controls like chopsticks!" Whined Kisame.

Deidara growled under his breath as he died once again. "Damn, they're good, hm."

"Jashin-Dammit!"

"Weren't you going easy on us, eh?"

"That's not what your mom said last night." Hidan retorted and he regretted them as soon as he said it for he felt a chill run up and down his spine.

"Don't you dare bring my mother in this."

"What, did I offend mama's boy?"

Hidan barely made it to the first laugh before his player was blown to smithereens, and that's the place he was kept for the rest of the night as Neji kept pummeling him again and again and again and again and again.

"Gah, fuck it, I'm out." Deidara sighed.

"What? Aw, come on man, don't just leave!"

"I'm tired, I'm getting my ass kicked by a girl and her psychotic brother, besides I have work tomorrow." Deidara stated. "Goodnight, peeps."

ArtBang010 has gone offline.

"Tsk! Traitor! Jashin-sama will smite you!"

"So, Hinata, eh? That's a pretty name. Mine's Hoshigaki. Kisame Hoshigaki."

"Thank you." Bang, Kisame went down.

"You're pretty good with a sniper rifle. I'm impressed. Do you have Facebook?"

"I-"

"No! She doesn't have Facebook or twitter, how about you get your blue ass over here and help me!" Hidan said in a mimic voice.

"I'm a little busy here!"

"NO! No you are not! Weren't you listening, you derp?!"

"Hidan," Interrupted Kakuzu. "Shut up."

Everyone looked at the radar on their screens in wonder as something large beeped its way over to their location. Whatever it was, it was insanely large.

"What the hell..."

"Hinata-sama, run!" Screamed Neji.

A plane? A helicopter? Realization hit Hidan too late. "Son of a-"

A loud explosion broke out, killing everyone within its radius.

**BOOM**!

"I'm back." Kakuzu stated non-chalantly.

"Kakuzu! You bastard, you killed me!" Hidan whined.

"And me too! I thought we were friends."

"It was a sacrifice I was_ forced_ to take."

"Yeah, I can see how heart-broken you are over it." Huffed Kisame.

There was a loud honk coming from the screen, red letters coming in; You Lose. They all hung their heads in shame and clicked to see the board:

Narusrealfan#1 - 180 kills - 1 death

CagedBird69 - 132 kills - 2 deaths

Gold_Digger - 4 kills (2 enemies, 2 friendly) - 32 deaths

KakuzuCanZuckit_HARD - 0 kills - 110 deaths

DeepBlue_84 - 0 kills - 170 deaths

"Well, I guess this is the end, ladies. Next time we meet I hope you all have somewhat improved to at least make this entertaining."

CagedBird69 logged off.

"That guy pisses me off."

Gold_Digger logged off.

"So...Hinata." Hidan mussed. He waited a few beats. "Do you have facebook?"

"HEY!" Kisame protested.

* * *

Fin.


End file.
